weddings?

Weddings are a new thing for me. It never ocurred to me to think about the fact that I will be asked to do death bed weddings and such. It's a touchy subject for a lot of people. I know my coworkers insist that every couple needs marital counseling and so they won't do it. My thought is that if someone is willing to marry you when you are dying that is something. Talk about in sickness and in health. The important part is to assertain if it is about them or about money. That is difficult. The other thing to consider is why is it so urgent. If the person is very sick and will die, but not immenently then it makes more sense to say okay wait. If the person is likely to never leave the hospital it makes sense to work with them. The UMEA actually encourages chaplains to think about these things and be willing to perform these.

Now the next thing to consider is: I work with a majority of religions. Am I just supposed to marry just Christians? Do I believe that marrying others is part of my appointment? My appointment is very unique. It seems to me that if someone asks me to marry them in my hospital, in my parish then I am obligated, no called to be with them in that. The anointing and the calling placed on me is to show God's love and sometimes that is going to them in the place they are in. That means working with them as long as I do not compromise myself.

I wonder if I view marriage differently since I am not married. I see it as a sacred union and the grace of God being bestowed upon a couple bringing them in to a sacred bond that should never be broken.

ah these are ponderings and like I say it's not that simple. There are so many complexities.

words I never seem to listen to

Has God ever sent someone your way to say the exact thing you need at the exact moment you need it? I guess that is something God does often. Most people call it a coincidence. I term it Divine intervention. Afterall God usually knows when I'm about to do something stupid.

I was working late on Friday and one of the volunteers was there. He prayed a mighty prayer before coming out of the office to visit people on the floors. He didn't know I was there until he stepped out. I told him about a patient who needed him and he stopped me. He told me that he could tell I have a sweet sincere spirit. He said he could also tell I was worrying about something. I don't know if I'm that transparent or if it was just a prophetic thing. I kind of believe it was Divine sight because I was smiling and doing my little happy dance that I do in front of people I don't know well (no it's not literally a dance for those of you who know that it very well could be). He stopped me and said that if God could take care of the sparrows then God could take care of me.

Maybe I should listen. After all I've heard the message now well over a hundred or so times throughout this summer.

Yet the worry comes. I don't know where it comes from and certainly I don't know how to stop it. I just know that I worry. Sometimes life just feels like it is too much to handle and yet day after day I wake up to face another day. I never know what that day will hold. It could be anywhere from a mundane day in the office to multiple victims who have be shot. Don't get me wrong I LOVE what I do. It's just that it is hard and it is hard sometimes to separate the lives of these people I serve from my own life and the lives of the people I love. I know that God sees each sparrow and so will take care of the ones around me, but goodness knows I want to see where I'm flying/falling to. Cest la vie I guess I have to trust God. I just wish it were simple.

God sees sparrows and cars

I have to share that sadly I am never completely certain about being called into ordained ministry. I am timid and scared. I tend to be angry with God a lot. We've had a lot of matches...kind of reminds me of Jacob wrestling the angel...it always ends with God winning. I like to run and goodness knows I fear it means I will never meet someone and get married. Yes this is a real fear and concern for me.

This week has been interesting. (and yes this does have to do with me being scared) I spent the whole week at RIOM (Residency in ordained ministry). First I spent a couple of days in Hickory enjoying the serenity of a Catholic Retreat Center while I watched other groups form. That was easy. I didn't have to put everything I had into it because those weren't my groups. They are my people, my friends and my colleagues, but not my RIOM groups. Thursday terrified me.

On Thursday I was supposed to meet MY group and find out what I needed to do. I hate walking into a room where I don't know a single soul. It makes me feel so lonely and insecure. (Even in my job I struggle with that at times, but in general the hospital is different.) I started out at 7am on Thursday morning to drive to Raleigh. Everything was great. Traffic was flowing smoothly and it looked like I'd be there early and everything. Of course I got lost in downtown Raleigh, but I guess I expected that. I haven't really lived in cities that big and all the one way streets confused me. Well I finally got to the church I was supposed to go to and...

smoke was flowing out from my car like suddenly my car had turned into a volcano. Needless to say I jumped into action and opened my car door and...I'd love to say I opened the hood and fixed it...nope I stood there and stared at my car. I dropped everything and stood and stared. I stared until someone came along and told me that there was really nothing I could do at this point because the car was hot. He convinced me to go on inside and that we'd work it out.

Well I went inside and called guess who, yes my Daddy...after all isn't he the one who fixes everything? Oh yeah I have to let you know that my dad was probably about three hours away and I'm 34 years old. Yet I cried like a baby. After getting my cry out I sprung into action...I sat and stared out a window. Then I went into the conferance room and got down to work...I sat in a chair and laid my head on the table. Yep I'm a real superhero. (well I did call my best friend who lives in Raleigh for advice...she said call tripple A...yeah and so did a lot of people...I stopped my subscription to tripple A in Arizona when I was stuck for hours in a parking lot and they never showed up...so yeah that wouldn't work)

Okay let me get to it. The gentleman who I first met upon getting out of my car managed to talk to the church leaders and find a mainetance guy who could help. Another guy, Sam, and him, Alex managed to find out that I had a hold in my radiator. Yes immediately my heart sank because well I'm a chaplain and I don't make much money and I was in a city where I knew no one who could fix it. Sam managed to call a friend of his.

Now I will shorten this story for sake of my hands being tired and yes, I should do some work. This friend offered to fix my car for the price of the radiator and 100 dollar labor fee. Do you know what this came out to be?!!? 240 dollars :D I was shocked, amazed, overjoyed, and a host of variety of emotions. By the time I was supposed to leave at 4pm my car was fixed and I drove home to Fayetteville with no trouble. My car is still a piece of...insert explicative..., but at least I have a brand new radiator and a new outlook.

See that radiator could have broken down on the side of the road and I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. It could have broken here in Fayetteville and I still would have no clue what to do. Both possibilities would have prevented me from attending that meeting. It could have broken down in Hickory or around my parent's house. Yep you guessed it I would not have made it to Raleigh and that meeting. It broke down at the right moment and at the right time for me to make that meeting and for me to not have to pay as much.

Perhaps I should listen when God speaks. Earlier this summer God kept giving me that verse about the sparrows and God knowing each one so we shouldn't worry. I kind of like to worry and that's a little worrisome in itself. Therefore, I keep worrying and plotting and planning and trying to fix things. I couldn't fix this and worrying didn't help. My worrying would have caused me to sit and stare at my car all day. Here God showed me something. First he showed me that he wanted me at that meeting and he wants me involved in this program in order to grow and learn. Next he showed me that I can do nothing, but that he can do everything so if I do rely on him amazing things will happen. I'm sure I'll be just as stubborn soon, but for right now I have learned this lesson and I'm writing it here so that if I forget I can come back and look at it.

death is not something of which to be afraid

Friday I went to a workshop about death and dying well. We talked about how Christians need to talk about end of life and how leaders in the church need to lead the conversations. I was thinking about how Paul wrote about life and death. He said that to be absent from the body means to be present with the Lord. I deal with people who are dying every day and I see a lot of reactions to it. What is interesting is that it seems that often Christians are the ones who really struggle to actually let go. They are the ones who haven't talked about death and haven't made advanced directives. In fact one of the doctors who spoke talked about a study that confirmed this.
Why is it that Christians are afraid of death? Why is it that we don't talk about advanced directives and don't encourage people to plan ahead. Why is it that we forget that there is hope in death because once we pass that veil we are whole in Heaven? Jesus told the thief on the cross that "today you will be with me in Heaven." The thief would no longer have to feel the pain on the cross because of Christ. We have that same hope.
Of course Paul also spoke of the fact that to remain in the body is also good because it is for others. We are called to serve others. So to stay in the body is to be here for others and to be absent from the body means that we are whole with Christ. So we have to live without fear. We aren't afraid of life on earth because we have been called by Christ and we are not afraid to serve. We aren't afraid of life in heaven because we have been saved by Christ and we know that our hope is in Heaven.
The point is to encourage you to speak to each other about what happens in the end. Tell your loved ones what you want because leaving them to decide whether you would want CPR or not when you are going to die anyways is cruel. It is okay to sign an advanced directive and give this gift to your loved ones. It takes away the guilt and allows you to tell them that you know Christ and you know that to be absent from the body means to be present with the Lord. I'm 34 years old and I have an advanced directive. I urge you to talk to your loved ones and then I urge you to teach others. Become a leader in your Church who helps remind people of the hope they/we have in Christ.

vulnerability

You know, how we react to others is very important. I did not grow up like you did and was not taught as you were and then you didn't grow up like me or taught like me. We cannot assume that there is an automatic standard to go from or that we can read each other's minds. It isn't that simple. So how do we deal with this; we communicate, we talk. We don't try to hurt the other or embarrass the other. Instead we pull the other aside and discuss things.

Culture is an interesting thing. I deal with it every day. Every person I meet and every person I visit here in the hospital comes from their own culture. Each person is a conglomeration of a myriad of ways of living. For example: I live in America, I live in the south, I live in North Carolina, I live in fayetteville, I go to a UM church, I work in a hospital, I have a family that I am part of and then I have my individual

idiosyncrasies. All of that is part of me and part of my culture. All of that informs every decision I make and every reaction I have. No one else can have this same particular set of values and ways of reacting. The problems comes into play when I decide that the cultural foundation I have should be yours as well.

I was with someone today and did something that offended her. I didn't know it was a problem and what I did was something I do everyday so it was common place for me. For me I learned it from my parents who I guess learned it from theirs. I don't know. The reaction was to hit me on the shoulder and lecture me like I was a child. (I am 34 years old) Then she announced loudly that she just couldn't be there because it was so offensive.

That reaction made me feel so bad that I felt debilitated and felt like I just wanted to go home and hide. I felt chastised and about 2 feet tall. I felt like I was a little girl again. I felt so embarrassed and as I think about it why should I? I didn't know. How could I know? I don't know her motivation or how she feels other than apparently I insulted her without knowing.

Now where do we go from here? I could get angry, sulk and be very passive agressive. I've done that in the past and it hasn't helped at all. I could cry and punish myself, but that always ends up backfiring as well. I could go to someone else and talk about this person behind her back, but then others would also view me as offensive. So the hard choice is: I suck it up, I say something, and I do what I can to let it go.  

What do I say? "I'm sorry I offended you. I didn't realize that this was something that bothered you that bad and was offensive to you. I apologize. However, next time you have an issue like this please just pull me aside and tell me quietly that this offended you. If you have to leave because of it just do it quietly. I felt embarrassed by your reaction and would have appreciated it if you had handled that more delicately."

To me those words are terrifying. I find myself shaking at the thought of even sharing those thoughts and feelings. Why is this? Maybe somewhere along the line I learned that to share these feelings makes things blow up bigger than I can handle? Maybe I've just never learned how to deal with my emotions publically. So much of what I feel terrifies me. I think it may go back to my previous post. Every day I wake up a little bit afraid and it is hard.

Now don't get me wrong, I can deal with the emotions of others all day long. I can focus on others all day long, but when it becomes something to do with me I begin to feel very uncomfortable. I start to shake and then the tears come. (of course I cry very easily anyways) I'll admit it can sometimes make me look unstable. I'm not. I'm just uncomfortable talking about myself and my feelings. I allow very few people to get that close. To say the words above is to become vulnerable.

I guess the lesson to be learned is that others are different from me, but are likely to be afraid to be vulnerable as well. (of course then again some people aren't) I guess the real lesson is that it's not that simple. Being vulnerable with others requires some reserve and also some bravery. Go with God and let's all pray for understanding.

I am not sorry

"Thank you for your article and I am sorry about your brother, as I am about my daughter." anonymous

     I was reading a blog today and it inspired me to begin my own. This quote is a response to a blog about how clergy need to respond to those who have a mental illness. The blog was wonderfully done, calling leaders in the church to stop ignoring those who struggle with this and to allow conversation to begin. It is true the church needs to find ways to reach out to those who have a mental illness like myself.
    For a long time I hid this part of me like it was something to be embarrased about and for fear that I would be discriminated against in the church. I heard many people talk about demonic possession and also lack of faith. All of this "spiritual talk" makes it frightening to seek help. I've felt it and so have my friends.
      However, I appreciated this blog that talked about how mental illness and those who have this are not people to be afraid of and should not be condemned. There is something though that I think no one can really understand if you don't have a mental illness.
     Everyday I watch myself. I check my symptoms. I understand the risk that it poses if I allow myself to make one wrong turn in caring for myself. Everyday I feel that terrible feeling of, "will today be the day they have to put me in a hospital?" It is hard work and exhausting. My day is planned to precision and I have a strict routine when I am at home. It is a surprise that I can even handle the job I have as a chaplain since it is not and can not be structured. However, by the grace of God, I do. Even more than that I am successful at it and love it.
      This is why the quote above struck me. Perhaps I am different from others, but I am not sorry that I have this. How can I be sorry? I don't know any other way. I can guess, but I'd imagine you have your something too. How can I be sorry when the struggle I have helps so many people? How can I be sorry when I know that God is with me? It sounds simple, but it's not. The truth is that I was "beautifully and wonderfully made."
       I don't know how many people in my life have told me that God makes no mistakes. Well if he doesn't then I have to wonder about having a mental illness. If this is unnatural and something to hide or be sorry about then doesn't that mean God made a mistake? Yet God doesn't make mistakes, does he? How can a perfect, loving and wonderful God make mistakes. So I'm not sorry that I have a mental illness. I'm sorry that it is hard and that others don't try to understand, but not that I have this. Now are there days I feel sorry, sure, but then aren't there days when you feel sorry as well? We all second guess God, but ultimately how can I be sorry.
       I named this blog It's not that simple because it isn't. It isn't a right or wrong world. This world is confusing. It doesn't make much sense. I can't really feel good all the time or bad all the time. I just feel and hope that on that day, at that moment when I need him to God protects me and gives me some kind of strength. As I try to trust I continue to watch myself moment by moment and pray that today is not the day I end up in the hospital and that tomorrow is not either and the day after that and after that. All I can be is trusting that something good will come of this something that I have as well as the something you have will be used to make a difference.