vulnerability

You know, how we react to others is very important. I did not grow up like you did and was not taught as you were and then you didn't grow up like me or taught like me. We cannot assume that there is an automatic standard to go from or that we can read each other's minds. It isn't that simple. So how do we deal with this; we communicate, we talk. We don't try to hurt the other or embarrass the other. Instead we pull the other aside and discuss things.

Culture is an interesting thing. I deal with it every day. Every person I meet and every person I visit here in the hospital comes from their own culture. Each person is a conglomeration of a myriad of ways of living. For example: I live in America, I live in the south, I live in North Carolina, I live in fayetteville, I go to a UM church, I work in a hospital, I have a family that I am part of and then I have my individual

idiosyncrasies. All of that is part of me and part of my culture. All of that informs every decision I make and every reaction I have. No one else can have this same particular set of values and ways of reacting. The problems comes into play when I decide that the cultural foundation I have should be yours as well.

I was with someone today and did something that offended her. I didn't know it was a problem and what I did was something I do everyday so it was common place for me. For me I learned it from my parents who I guess learned it from theirs. I don't know. The reaction was to hit me on the shoulder and lecture me like I was a child. (I am 34 years old) Then she announced loudly that she just couldn't be there because it was so offensive.

That reaction made me feel so bad that I felt debilitated and felt like I just wanted to go home and hide. I felt chastised and about 2 feet tall. I felt like I was a little girl again. I felt so embarrassed and as I think about it why should I? I didn't know. How could I know? I don't know her motivation or how she feels other than apparently I insulted her without knowing.

Now where do we go from here? I could get angry, sulk and be very passive agressive. I've done that in the past and it hasn't helped at all. I could cry and punish myself, but that always ends up backfiring as well. I could go to someone else and talk about this person behind her back, but then others would also view me as offensive. So the hard choice is: I suck it up, I say something, and I do what I can to let it go.  

What do I say? "I'm sorry I offended you. I didn't realize that this was something that bothered you that bad and was offensive to you. I apologize. However, next time you have an issue like this please just pull me aside and tell me quietly that this offended you. If you have to leave because of it just do it quietly. I felt embarrassed by your reaction and would have appreciated it if you had handled that more delicately."

To me those words are terrifying. I find myself shaking at the thought of even sharing those thoughts and feelings. Why is this? Maybe somewhere along the line I learned that to share these feelings makes things blow up bigger than I can handle? Maybe I've just never learned how to deal with my emotions publically. So much of what I feel terrifies me. I think it may go back to my previous post. Every day I wake up a little bit afraid and it is hard.

Now don't get me wrong, I can deal with the emotions of others all day long. I can focus on others all day long, but when it becomes something to do with me I begin to feel very uncomfortable. I start to shake and then the tears come. (of course I cry very easily anyways) I'll admit it can sometimes make me look unstable. I'm not. I'm just uncomfortable talking about myself and my feelings. I allow very few people to get that close. To say the words above is to become vulnerable.

I guess the lesson to be learned is that others are different from me, but are likely to be afraid to be vulnerable as well. (of course then again some people aren't) I guess the real lesson is that it's not that simple. Being vulnerable with others requires some reserve and also some bravery. Go with God and let's all pray for understanding.