I am not sorry

"Thank you for your article and I am sorry about your brother, as I am about my daughter." anonymous

     I was reading a blog today and it inspired me to begin my own. This quote is a response to a blog about how clergy need to respond to those who have a mental illness. The blog was wonderfully done, calling leaders in the church to stop ignoring those who struggle with this and to allow conversation to begin. It is true the church needs to find ways to reach out to those who have a mental illness like myself.
    For a long time I hid this part of me like it was something to be embarrased about and for fear that I would be discriminated against in the church. I heard many people talk about demonic possession and also lack of faith. All of this "spiritual talk" makes it frightening to seek help. I've felt it and so have my friends.
      However, I appreciated this blog that talked about how mental illness and those who have this are not people to be afraid of and should not be condemned. There is something though that I think no one can really understand if you don't have a mental illness.
     Everyday I watch myself. I check my symptoms. I understand the risk that it poses if I allow myself to make one wrong turn in caring for myself. Everyday I feel that terrible feeling of, "will today be the day they have to put me in a hospital?" It is hard work and exhausting. My day is planned to precision and I have a strict routine when I am at home. It is a surprise that I can even handle the job I have as a chaplain since it is not and can not be structured. However, by the grace of God, I do. Even more than that I am successful at it and love it.
      This is why the quote above struck me. Perhaps I am different from others, but I am not sorry that I have this. How can I be sorry? I don't know any other way. I can guess, but I'd imagine you have your something too. How can I be sorry when the struggle I have helps so many people? How can I be sorry when I know that God is with me? It sounds simple, but it's not. The truth is that I was "beautifully and wonderfully made."
       I don't know how many people in my life have told me that God makes no mistakes. Well if he doesn't then I have to wonder about having a mental illness. If this is unnatural and something to hide or be sorry about then doesn't that mean God made a mistake? Yet God doesn't make mistakes, does he? How can a perfect, loving and wonderful God make mistakes. So I'm not sorry that I have a mental illness. I'm sorry that it is hard and that others don't try to understand, but not that I have this. Now are there days I feel sorry, sure, but then aren't there days when you feel sorry as well? We all second guess God, but ultimately how can I be sorry.
       I named this blog It's not that simple because it isn't. It isn't a right or wrong world. This world is confusing. It doesn't make much sense. I can't really feel good all the time or bad all the time. I just feel and hope that on that day, at that moment when I need him to God protects me and gives me some kind of strength. As I try to trust I continue to watch myself moment by moment and pray that today is not the day I end up in the hospital and that tomorrow is not either and the day after that and after that. All I can be is trusting that something good will come of this something that I have as well as the something you have will be used to make a difference.