I have to share that sadly I am never completely certain about being called into ordained ministry. I am timid and scared. I tend to be angry with God a lot. We've had a lot of matches...kind of reminds me of Jacob wrestling the angel...it always ends with God winning. I like to run and goodness knows I fear it means I will never meet someone and get married. Yes this is a real fear and concern for me.
This week has been interesting. (and yes this does have to do with me being scared) I spent the whole week at RIOM (Residency in ordained ministry). First I spent a couple of days in Hickory enjoying the serenity of a Catholic Retreat Center while I watched other groups form. That was easy. I didn't have to put everything I had into it because those weren't my groups. They are my people, my friends and my colleagues, but not my RIOM groups. Thursday terrified me.
On Thursday I was supposed to meet MY group and find out what I needed to do. I hate walking into a room where I don't know a single soul. It makes me feel so lonely and insecure. (Even in my job I struggle with that at times, but in general the hospital is different.) I started out at 7am on Thursday morning to drive to Raleigh. Everything was great. Traffic was flowing smoothly and it looked like I'd be there early and everything. Of course I got lost in downtown Raleigh, but I guess I expected that. I haven't really lived in cities that big and all the one way streets confused me. Well I finally got to the church I was supposed to go to and...
smoke was flowing out from my car like suddenly my car had turned into a volcano. Needless to say I jumped into action and opened my car door and...I'd love to say I opened the hood and fixed it...nope I stood there and stared at my car. I dropped everything and stood and stared. I stared until someone came along and told me that there was really nothing I could do at this point because the car was hot. He convinced me to go on inside and that we'd work it out.
Well I went inside and called guess who, yes my Daddy...after all isn't he the one who fixes everything? Oh yeah I have to let you know that my dad was probably about three hours away and I'm 34 years old. Yet I cried like a baby. After getting my cry out I sprung into action...I sat and stared out a window. Then I went into the conferance room and got down to work...I sat in a chair and laid my head on the table. Yep I'm a real superhero. (well I did call my best friend who lives in Raleigh for advice...she said call tripple A...yeah and so did a lot of people...I stopped my subscription to tripple A in Arizona when I was stuck for hours in a parking lot and they never showed up...so yeah that wouldn't work)
Okay let me get to it. The gentleman who I first met upon getting out of my car managed to talk to the church leaders and find a mainetance guy who could help. Another guy, Sam, and him, Alex managed to find out that I had a hold in my radiator. Yes immediately my heart sank because well I'm a chaplain and I don't make much money and I was in a city where I knew no one who could fix it. Sam managed to call a friend of his.
Now I will shorten this story for sake of my hands being tired and yes, I should do some work. This friend offered to fix my car for the price of the radiator and 100 dollar labor fee. Do you know what this came out to be?!!? 240 dollars :D I was shocked, amazed, overjoyed, and a host of variety of emotions. By the time I was supposed to leave at 4pm my car was fixed and I drove home to Fayetteville with no trouble. My car is still a piece of...insert explicative..., but at least I have a brand new radiator and a new outlook.
See that radiator could have broken down on the side of the road and I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. It could have broken here in Fayetteville and I still would have no clue what to do. Both possibilities would have prevented me from attending that meeting. It could have broken down in Hickory or around my parent's house. Yep you guessed it I would not have made it to Raleigh and that meeting. It broke down at the right moment and at the right time for me to make that meeting and for me to not have to pay as much.
Perhaps I should listen when God speaks. Earlier this summer God kept giving me that verse about the sparrows and God knowing each one so we shouldn't worry. I kind of like to worry and that's a little worrisome in itself. Therefore, I keep worrying and plotting and planning and trying to fix things. I couldn't fix this and worrying didn't help. My worrying would have caused me to sit and stare at my car all day. Here God showed me something. First he showed me that he wanted me at that meeting and he wants me involved in this program in order to grow and learn. Next he showed me that I can do nothing, but that he can do everything so if I do rely on him amazing things will happen. I'm sure I'll be just as stubborn soon, but for right now I have learned this lesson and I'm writing it here so that if I forget I can come back and look at it.
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